Tips For Not Condemning Millions Of Americans To Sickness And Death
As the debate over Obamacare rages on and insurance costs continue to rise, Americans consider how best to improve the country’s healthcare system. Here are the The Onion’s tips for not condemning millions of Americans to sickness and death:
Read the thing you’re voting on, particularly if you’ve heard someone mention that it might end up killing millions of people.
Do your research: Find out if any of the people you are paid to represent are human beings who use healthcare.
Try to better understand the concerns of your constituents by dying a slow, painful death while bankrupting your entire family.
See if you can recall any reason besides an all-consuming sense of self-importance and knee-jerk lust for personal financial gain that might once have motivated you to seek public office.
Check whether or not a single medical professional, patient advocate, economist, or literally anyone familiar with the subject in question supports the legislation you’re about to vote in favor of.
If respect for human life doesn’t interest you, try to remember that sick and indigent people are, at this point, still legally allowed to vote.
Acknowledge that serving in public office sometimes means putting aside your personal beliefs about how all poor people deserve to die in a wet ditch.
Consider going through the millions of years of natural selection and incremental evolutionary advancements necessary to develop a rudimentary backbone.